𝗥𝗲𝗴𝗮𝗻

I had such an amazing time meeting and photographing Regan, and it was an experience I’m sure I won’t ever forget. It was one of the first times in my life that I have met someone that has had such similar experiences to myself in terms of school and inner anxieties surrounding ASD. During the shoot, I managed to actually snap two rolls of 35mm film (something that very rarely happens in film photography, let alone twice in one day!). Usually this is something that would totally throw me off and I would probably be written off for the rest of the day, but the fact that Regan really empathised with how I was feeling and understood entirely, felt both freeing and validating, and meant that I was able to overcome the unexpected difficulty and carry on with no problems. Regan studied mathematics at the University of Sheffield, and after gaining his degree, has gone on to become a data analyst for a gas company.

Regan’s insight into his own experience of ASD is something I think many others will strongly relate to -

“In the past at school and uni I had sort-of managed to get away with keeping my autism diagnosis to myself as I was able to just go to my room or somewhere and get on with my work, I could focus on that. Since I graduated from uni nearly a couple of years ago and entered the world of work that started to become a lot harder and certainly more recently. I have always been aware of my own difficulties, particularly from about year 10 at secondary school. I am a very shy person and have tried hard (by changing schools to do my A-levels for a fresh start), probably too hard, to change it so I was like ‘everyone else’, and could experience what they were. I was conscious of the impression I gave people and how people would react to whatever I might say, and whether it was ‘right’ or not. I replayed past conversations to see where I could do ‘better’. I tried to be friends with whoever I met regardless of their actual impression on me. It was awkward I have to say, though I did finally meet some nice people which made Y13 a relatively good year – however the anxiety about trying to be ‘correct’ in what I said was always there. I never actually spoke that much. That lasted through uni as well, I hated the idea of going out and drinking and did come under pressure to do it – I did awkwardly attempt that lifestyle very briefly a bit later on but I wouldn’t want to relive that ever again! I have always preferred one to one conversations, as soon as it was a group of more than 2 people, that’s where it becomes more difficult when socialising. Having a bit of a hearing impairment (high pitches like fire alarms) has always made things tougher for me too. My confidence has been affected throughout, it does not take much to lose what I have gained.

My autism has definitely benefitted me academically as well, certainly on the mathematical side of things – but I generally wasn’t very good at English at school, especially Literature. Sport and PE certainly was an absolute nightmare for me – I was the worst pretty much at every sport throughout school like football, rugby, tennis, swimming and so on mainly because I can never get my coordination right, and running was the only thing I could do and not come last! I would have looked really silly at times but for some reason it never bothered me that much (I tried as hard as I could!), compared to the social side.

I have managed to improve my social skills a lot generally but I still have these moments and will probably do so for the rest of my life as it is who I am. I still hold myself back from people so much of the time. I realise now that it is better to be just myself. There is such a wide range of people like us, with such a wide range of different characteristics. I have met some other autistic people and they are all very different to me and each other in many ways. Our characteristics make us who we are as people, and that is in a positive way, in that I would not be me without my defining characteristics and changing any part of myself to fit any particular ‘convention’ around me is not what I should do nor should anyone else – we should be able to just be ourselves regardless. I have never before reflected on my life so far as deeply as I have here.” - Regan